Do not, I repeat, do not talk to my daughter about crabs.
I don’t know how we got on the subject, but our daughter began talking about crabs.
This is when Ms. Kaz made the regrettable decision to tell our daughter that once, when she was younger, a crab pinched her on the big toe.
The rest of the night went something like this:
In the car:
Daughter: A crab pinched you once when you were a big kid?
Ms. Kaz: Yeah.
Daughter: Why?
Ms. Kaz: I think it was scared because I stepped on it.
Daughter: Why did you step on it?
Ms. Kaz: It was an accident.
Daughter: Why the crab pinch you on your big toe?
Ms. Kaz: It was scared because I almost stepped on it.
Daughter: Why?
Ms. Kaz: It was in the water, and I couldn’t see it very well.
Daughter: I don’t want you to go to the ocean any more.
Ms. Kaz: It was a long time ago. The crab is far away now.
Daughter: I don’t like that crab to pinch your big toe.
Dinner Time:
Daughter: Once, when you were little, a crab pinched your toe?
Ms. Kaz: Yeah, I was with my mommy at the beach. It was an accident, though.
Daughter: I don’t like you to go with your mommy to that beach.
Ms. Kaz: It was a long time ago.
Daughter: I don’t like that crab.
Ms. Kaz: Most crabs don’t pinch.
Daughter: Some crabs DO pinch.
Ms. Kaz: Some do, but most don’t.
Daughter: Why?
Ms. Kaz: Because I stepped on him… by accident.
Daughter: Why you step on him?
Ms. Kaz: It was an accident.
Daughter: I don’t like crabs.
At this point, I was not going to get involved. I told my wife that she got herself into this, she can get herself out.
On the Potty:
Daughter: A crab pinch you once when you were young…?
Ms. Kaz: …
Daughter: …
Ms. Kaz: Yes… it was a long time ago.
Daughter: I don’t want you to go to the ocean with your mommy aaaaaany more.
I was beginning to wonder if we’d ever get to go to the beach ever again…
Bedtime:
Daughter: Once, when mommy was young a crab pinched her..?
Me: Ugh. Yes, it was a long time ago, and it was an accident, I think.
Daughter: I don’t like crabs. Crabs are mean.
Me: Most crabs are nice.
Daughter: Most crabs are not nice.
Me: Some crabs are not nice. Most are nice. I promise we won’t go to any beach that has crabs.
Daughter: … once when she was young, a crab pinched mommy on the toe.
Me: …
Daughter: …
Me: We’ll talk about it in the morning.
I am happy to report that this morning was fairly crab-free.
Once when I was a little boy a crab pinched me on the toe. I wish you to inform your daughter of this so she is able to make an informed and balanced decision about the merits of the crab population.
I am worried you are taking far too much of a pro-crab approach and not allowing her sufficient access to alternative viewpoints.
[Kaz: Your comments give aid and comfort to the enemy... whomever that is in this case.]
Eww. Your beach days might be numbered.
Whatever you do – don’t let her see Jaws! I wouldn’t take a bath for two weeks after I saw that movie in the theaters…. waaaay back when. And I was 6!
Swimming pool? Forget about it. Heck, I was afraid to sit on the toilet for any length of time…
[Kaz: Sharks in the toilet? Man, the West Coast is like a totally different world, isn't it??]